One Year...

It's been one year since I sat with my sister, Brenda, as she went to be with Jesus. I've heard that the first year is the hardest. Does that mean that eventually, I'll be able to think of my sister without that feeling that my lungs are being squeezed so tight that I can't breathe? Will I be able to watch my children sing, swim, play football, etc. without that overbearing sadness that threatens to move me to tears as think of how much she would have enjoyed it as well? May 12, 2011 marks a day where my life changed forever, a "new normal" was born, and that "new normal" is far from normal still. But God... God gave me gifts this weekend to help me through it all. He gave me "busyness" on Saturday with Justin's swim meet, and preparing for Mother's Day, and an overnight visit from a dear friend. He gave me a husband who insisted that I go to breakfast with that friend on Mother's Day, while he helped our kids get breakfast and ready for church. He gave me a sweet moment where my Justin sang in big church, while Johnny, Ryan and Madison were sitting with me. He scheduled my time so well that morning, that instead of Madison being in her class while Justin sang, she sat with me, as I had just enough time to get seated before the service began. What a sweet moment to share with my husband and children. After Justin sang, I took Madison to her class and they were on the playground, her favorite place, so she went happily to play instead of hanging on my skirt crying like she sometimes does. After church, we went to lunch with my parents, and I was able to surprise my mom with a Bible she had wanted. After lunch, I got my much loved nap, all afternoon! Ryan fixed dinner last night, and then Johnny and I settled in front of the TV. It is hard to talk about Brenda, writing is so much easier. I can't seem to make the thoughts in my head make it to my lips, can't bring myself to say the words. Know that if I start, I likely won't make it through a sentence. And that is scary, like so much of the past couple of years. But God... He gives me friends who pray, who encourage, etc. Friends who hug, who offer to come watch my kids, who check in with me by text just so I know they are there and thinking of me and praying for me. He gives me children, who can make me smile and laugh, and tell me they love me, at just the right time. He gives me a husband, who has been so strong for me, when I've been at the breaking point. But God... So thankful for His grace and the work He does in my life!

Memorizing Scripture

The message at my church yesterday was about memorizing scripture. I've always thought that you memorize scripture, so you can have something to help you or a friend or family member through a tough time, for encouragement. I always looked for verses that spoke to a particular issue I was having and worked on memorizing it so I would have something to call to mind when I needed that extra boost. But I also now realize, that sometimes it isn't just a certain scripture that is needed, it is just scripture. Anything that can take my mind out of that downward spiral of defeat: my school day with my children didn't go well, my house is a mess, I argued with Johnny - all of those have the potential to take my mind off of God and place it on myself. But what if my mind was filled with scripture, any scripture, that would take my thoughts off of myself, and put them back on God? I realized that sometimes, in my desire to find the "perfect" scripture, I forget that ALL scripture is useful: 2 Timothy 3:16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 2 Timothy 3:15-17 So even if I don't have something that speaks to my issue at the moment, there is much to be gained by being able to recall God's Word, if only to get my mind back on that which is most important: God! So yes, it is important to have those specific scriptures that will speak encouragement into my life and the lives of others. But I must not get discouraged when what I consider the "right" verse doesn't come to mind, if I've been diligent in reading and memorizing God's word, whatever He brings to mind will be a blessing!

My Own Backyard

One of my favorite movies from my childhood is The Wizard of Oz. At the end of the movie, Dorothy proclaims that when she is looking for something, she won't go farther than her own backyard. That line has come to me recently as I see my friends and groups from my church going on Mission Trips. Some of these are within the state of Texas, some are in the United States, and some are even in other countries. They do VBS, Sports Camps, Eye Clinics, Music Ministry, and Women's Ministry, just to name a few. But all of these have one common goal: To share the gospel with others. As I look at all these opportunities, I can easily get discouraged, feeling that I can't make an impact for Christ if I'm not doing these trips. But what God has shown me, is that I can do things for Him even in my own home and community. My mission field can be my church, my homeschooling community, my parents, and, most importantly, my husband and children. My season in life has me at home, with my family, and that is okay. My church gives me the opportunity to work with preschoolers and their families on Sunday mornings, help with Vacation Bible School and Creative Arts Camp. I am blessed to have my parents living close, so I am available to help them, as they have done for me so often. And my home: I can create a home that welcomes God, teach my children about the Gospel and watch them grow in their faith. They can see me living out my faith as I work in my home, caring for them and Johnny. So many opportunities right here in my own backyard! God has a place for everyone: some will travel far to reach others for Christ, and I'm so blessed to have those people in my life, to hear their stories, they are such an encouragement to me. And maybe, someday, I might be alongside them on one of those trips. Or maybe I won't, maybe my children will one day, maybe I'm building that foundation in them, so one day, they can go share with others. So, wherever God has you, take advantage of every opportunity to encourage someone in the relationship with Christ!

The New Normal

Several years ago, a new phrase started making the rounds: "The New Normal". For some reason, that phrase has bugged me, I would cringe whenever I heard it. See, I like familiarity, things that are known, routine, etc. In my mind, if something is new, it can't be normal yet. The new normal of life without my sister is still very much not normal, and I prefer the life of her being here, on the other end of the phone calls, at family celebrations, etc.

But, as I think more about it, my life has been a life of new normals which have made my life better: becoming a wife, becoming a mom, becoming a Christian. All of these required some changes in my thinking and actions, sometimes those changes were difficult (realizing that the spirit of homemaking didn't just descend on me after the I do's, that you can lead a toddler to the potty but you can't make them produce), but they also were such gifts and things I wouldn't want to change.

The new normal of life without Brenda here is so very hard, but I can also look at the gifts from the past several months: Watching my Justin play KFL football for the first time, seeing my Ryan attending his first Disciple Now weekend with the youth at our church, watching my Madison improving each week at gymnastics.

So, my new normal is helping Madison fill out Valentines (at two or three a day, I'm wishing we had started this last month), working with Justin on his lines for Peter Pan, trying to avoid having to take Excedrin every time Ryan tries to explain computer stuff to me. And the part of my normal that will always stay the same and never change is God!

Thursday

Well, to update on the kids:

Ryan and Justin are signed up for flag football, very excited for that to start. Justin is in his final few weeks of basketball, Johnny has been the coach and is doing an amazing job! Justin has been spending much time speed stacking these days, and continues to get faster each time. Both boys are enjoying Minecraft on the computer, I can't say I totally understand it all, but I am seeing some great improvements in reading, spelling and math so that is fine with me! Justin is participating in a homeschool theater class and is going to be in the play Peter Pan, he is playing Smee, the pirate. Lots of fun running lines for that and listening to the songs! Madison is having fun with church activities and gymnastics.

My sweet gift with purchase, Chrystal, is have a great time loving on that new baby of hers. What a great little mommy she is!

I had my yearly MRI yesterday, something I will do each year, for a breast cancer screening. The people were so very nice, and I even got to listen to my favorite Christian radio station during the procedure. That, along with the many friends and family I had praying for me, was such a comfort. I should have the results in a few days.

I've been doing a Bible Study called Courageous Faith with some ladies at my church. Lots of great scriptures and bible stories of how God prepares us for the tough stuff, and how to step out in courage even when you don't know what is going to happen. So glad that God does know, and will not leave me!

Connections

There is a soup commercial out these days that has a woman calling a soup company in excitement because she is able to fit into a dress after eating their soup, the soup company representative she speaks to is a woman who is able to share her excitement in losing the weight to allow her to wear her favorite dress. The next scene is a woman who is able to fit in her "skinny" jeans as a result of eating the soup. She happens to be speaking to a male representative of the soup company, and he can't seem to muster the excitement that the woman is looking for, so she asks to speak to a woman.

We all have people we connect with for different reasons, maybe our moms and us share a sweet memory, maybe we can make a noise over the phone and our dads can immediately recognize the sound that our car is making, we might see a scene from a movie that reminds us of a first date with our now husband and that can bring back memories as well. (The opening scene from Titanic brings me back to one of my first dates with Johnny, and the funny story that goes along with it). Sometimes, only the person we share that memory with can truly understand our feelings about it.

I have those memories of times with my sister, and they many times revolve around movies and TV shows. I found myself watching, within the time span of about a week, the movies Dirty Dancing and Urban Cowboy. My sister and I had lines from those movies the that would bring us to laughter to the point of tears. We also shared a love of the TV show Friends. One episode that we particularly found funny was the "Yemen" episode where Chandler, in an effort to get away from his girlfriend without hurting her feelings by breaking up with her, tells her that his company is transferring him to Yemen. Now, I admit, before that episode, I had never even heard of the country of Yemen, and I'm not sure I could tell you where it is today. I do know, that I can't participate in a serious adult conversation about Yemen without cracking a smile. My sister and I always looked forward to seeing the athletes from Yemen at the Olympics.

Those are things that I shared with my sister, that nobody will ever be able to relate to me with on the same level that she did. That is my "new normal" I here that phrase a lot these days, but nothing seems normal about not having my sister here. I wasn't able to call when our favorite movies were on, or when the Yemen episode of Friends was on last week.

But when those times occur, and they will, I can trust that God will walk me through that. And maybe use those as times to remember those other great things about my sister, her laugh, her heart for others and her love of my children. Use those times to remember the ones that are here with me now, and love on them the way she would want me to. (And her sympathy for Johnny as I ask millions of questions throughout a football game: What is a down again, and how many do they get? How do they remember the plays? Why does the coach put that card over his mouth when he speaks, does he really think someone is reading his lips and will then give away the next play?)

All I Have Needed....

I was reading in Lamentations this morning, Chapter 3, Verses 21-24: Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning: great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

The holidays are among us, and with that, the realization that this is the first Christmas without my sweet sister here. As we were celebrating Thanksgiving, I recalled a time when my parents and I were meeting Brenda's future in-laws at a Thanksgiving meal. Prior to that, my mom had mentioned how funny it would be to dress in traditional pilgrim costumes and show up like that. Now, we didn't do that, but just the thought of it made me really nervous about my parents meeting Johnny for the first time years later. Memories like that bring back laughter, as do the memories I had while watching the Friends marathon last week. Those are things that I can look back on and smile, but with those smiles also come tears at times. I just miss her so much.

Christmas cards will be arriving in the mail soon, and the thought that there won't be one from Brenda cuts to my core at times. She always wanted her card to be the first one I received. ( I, on the other hand, rarely get my cards out much before Christmas Eve). She always made a special trip out on Christmas Eve to see my children and bring them their gifts. I loved talking with her about her preparations for Christmas at her work, what she was getting everyone, etc. Those are things that won't happen this year.

But, with that, I still have a family here, and much to celebrate. So how do I do that? I recall that verse from Lamentations, and remember that God will give me what I need to make it through each day, each hour, each minute. I will not be consumed by my grief and pain, because God loves me and He will carry me through this.

And, as much as I miss her, I also know that she is celebrating the Christmas with Jesus, and what a celebration I imagine that to be!

All I have needed, thy hand has provided, great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!