Swim Season Has Begun!

Yes, another season of daily practices and early morning Saturday meets! This year, Justin is my only swimmer, Ryan decided not to join, and Madison is still in the playing in the pool stage, not quite ready to swim. But Justin is loving it! He never met a sport that he didn't like. We were remembering his days of soccer when he was 3. He spent most of his time in the opposing team's goal, talking to their goalie and coach. I never knew what he was saying, but the coaches were always smiling. That is my Justin, along with the competition, he loves being with people. Anyway, back to swimming. Last week was the Time Trials, where we are just swimming with our own team in order to establish times for the first meet. Justin did well, and established some good times. But wow, this week he really turned it on, I saw improvement in all his times. Because this week was for real, it was real competition between swimmers, not just getting a time. I could see him striving to do his best, to give it all. I was then struck with the realization, that sometimes, I treat life as a "Time Trial", just going along, not giving it all I have, instead of striving to do my very best. But what if I treated everyday as a day to go that extra mile, to a little bit more, make more of an effort, to choose what is not just better, but what is best? Yes, it is a lot more work. It would be so easy to coast along everyday. But, at the end of the day, do I want to look back and realize that I did just enough to get by? No, I want to look back and see that I pushed past what I thought I could do, and achieved more than I thought possible. Justin can do that in swimming by going to practice, listening to the coaches, etc. I have a Coach as well, and I can meet Him each morning before I start my day, and He is with me through everything I do, everywhere I go. Just as Justin's coaches encourage him, teach him and even get him back on track when he gets distracted, so does my Coach! I'm so glad I'm on God's Team!

One Year...

It's been one year since I sat with my sister, Brenda, as she went to be with Jesus. I've heard that the first year is the hardest. Does that mean that eventually, I'll be able to think of my sister without that feeling that my lungs are being squeezed so tight that I can't breathe? Will I be able to watch my children sing, swim, play football, etc. without that overbearing sadness that threatens to move me to tears as think of how much she would have enjoyed it as well? May 12, 2011 marks a day where my life changed forever, a "new normal" was born, and that "new normal" is far from normal still. But God... God gave me gifts this weekend to help me through it all. He gave me "busyness" on Saturday with Justin's swim meet, and preparing for Mother's Day, and an overnight visit from a dear friend. He gave me a husband who insisted that I go to breakfast with that friend on Mother's Day, while he helped our kids get breakfast and ready for church. He gave me a sweet moment where my Justin sang in big church, while Johnny, Ryan and Madison were sitting with me. He scheduled my time so well that morning, that instead of Madison being in her class while Justin sang, she sat with me, as I had just enough time to get seated before the service began. What a sweet moment to share with my husband and children. After Justin sang, I took Madison to her class and they were on the playground, her favorite place, so she went happily to play instead of hanging on my skirt crying like she sometimes does. After church, we went to lunch with my parents, and I was able to surprise my mom with a Bible she had wanted. After lunch, I got my much loved nap, all afternoon! Ryan fixed dinner last night, and then Johnny and I settled in front of the TV. It is hard to talk about Brenda, writing is so much easier. I can't seem to make the thoughts in my head make it to my lips, can't bring myself to say the words. Know that if I start, I likely won't make it through a sentence. And that is scary, like so much of the past couple of years. But God... He gives me friends who pray, who encourage, etc. Friends who hug, who offer to come watch my kids, who check in with me by text just so I know they are there and thinking of me and praying for me. He gives me children, who can make me smile and laugh, and tell me they love me, at just the right time. He gives me a husband, who has been so strong for me, when I've been at the breaking point. But God... So thankful for His grace and the work He does in my life!

Memorizing Scripture

The message at my church yesterday was about memorizing scripture. I've always thought that you memorize scripture, so you can have something to help you or a friend or family member through a tough time, for encouragement. I always looked for verses that spoke to a particular issue I was having and worked on memorizing it so I would have something to call to mind when I needed that extra boost. But I also now realize, that sometimes it isn't just a certain scripture that is needed, it is just scripture. Anything that can take my mind out of that downward spiral of defeat: my school day with my children didn't go well, my house is a mess, I argued with Johnny - all of those have the potential to take my mind off of God and place it on myself. But what if my mind was filled with scripture, any scripture, that would take my thoughts off of myself, and put them back on God? I realized that sometimes, in my desire to find the "perfect" scripture, I forget that ALL scripture is useful: 2 Timothy 3:16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 2 Timothy 3:15-17 So even if I don't have something that speaks to my issue at the moment, there is much to be gained by being able to recall God's Word, if only to get my mind back on that which is most important: God! So yes, it is important to have those specific scriptures that will speak encouragement into my life and the lives of others. But I must not get discouraged when what I consider the "right" verse doesn't come to mind, if I've been diligent in reading and memorizing God's word, whatever He brings to mind will be a blessing!

My Own Backyard

One of my favorite movies from my childhood is The Wizard of Oz. At the end of the movie, Dorothy proclaims that when she is looking for something, she won't go farther than her own backyard. That line has come to me recently as I see my friends and groups from my church going on Mission Trips. Some of these are within the state of Texas, some are in the United States, and some are even in other countries. They do VBS, Sports Camps, Eye Clinics, Music Ministry, and Women's Ministry, just to name a few. But all of these have one common goal: To share the gospel with others. As I look at all these opportunities, I can easily get discouraged, feeling that I can't make an impact for Christ if I'm not doing these trips. But what God has shown me, is that I can do things for Him even in my own home and community. My mission field can be my church, my homeschooling community, my parents, and, most importantly, my husband and children. My season in life has me at home, with my family, and that is okay. My church gives me the opportunity to work with preschoolers and their families on Sunday mornings, help with Vacation Bible School and Creative Arts Camp. I am blessed to have my parents living close, so I am available to help them, as they have done for me so often. And my home: I can create a home that welcomes God, teach my children about the Gospel and watch them grow in their faith. They can see me living out my faith as I work in my home, caring for them and Johnny. So many opportunities right here in my own backyard! God has a place for everyone: some will travel far to reach others for Christ, and I'm so blessed to have those people in my life, to hear their stories, they are such an encouragement to me. And maybe, someday, I might be alongside them on one of those trips. Or maybe I won't, maybe my children will one day, maybe I'm building that foundation in them, so one day, they can go share with others. So, wherever God has you, take advantage of every opportunity to encourage someone in the relationship with Christ!

The New Normal

Several years ago, a new phrase started making the rounds: "The New Normal". For some reason, that phrase has bugged me, I would cringe whenever I heard it. See, I like familiarity, things that are known, routine, etc. In my mind, if something is new, it can't be normal yet. The new normal of life without my sister is still very much not normal, and I prefer the life of her being here, on the other end of the phone calls, at family celebrations, etc.

But, as I think more about it, my life has been a life of new normals which have made my life better: becoming a wife, becoming a mom, becoming a Christian. All of these required some changes in my thinking and actions, sometimes those changes were difficult (realizing that the spirit of homemaking didn't just descend on me after the I do's, that you can lead a toddler to the potty but you can't make them produce), but they also were such gifts and things I wouldn't want to change.

The new normal of life without Brenda here is so very hard, but I can also look at the gifts from the past several months: Watching my Justin play KFL football for the first time, seeing my Ryan attending his first Disciple Now weekend with the youth at our church, watching my Madison improving each week at gymnastics.

So, my new normal is helping Madison fill out Valentines (at two or three a day, I'm wishing we had started this last month), working with Justin on his lines for Peter Pan, trying to avoid having to take Excedrin every time Ryan tries to explain computer stuff to me. And the part of my normal that will always stay the same and never change is God!

Thursday

Well, to update on the kids:

Ryan and Justin are signed up for flag football, very excited for that to start. Justin is in his final few weeks of basketball, Johnny has been the coach and is doing an amazing job! Justin has been spending much time speed stacking these days, and continues to get faster each time. Both boys are enjoying Minecraft on the computer, I can't say I totally understand it all, but I am seeing some great improvements in reading, spelling and math so that is fine with me! Justin is participating in a homeschool theater class and is going to be in the play Peter Pan, he is playing Smee, the pirate. Lots of fun running lines for that and listening to the songs! Madison is having fun with church activities and gymnastics.

My sweet gift with purchase, Chrystal, is have a great time loving on that new baby of hers. What a great little mommy she is!

I had my yearly MRI yesterday, something I will do each year, for a breast cancer screening. The people were so very nice, and I even got to listen to my favorite Christian radio station during the procedure. That, along with the many friends and family I had praying for me, was such a comfort. I should have the results in a few days.

I've been doing a Bible Study called Courageous Faith with some ladies at my church. Lots of great scriptures and bible stories of how God prepares us for the tough stuff, and how to step out in courage even when you don't know what is going to happen. So glad that God does know, and will not leave me!

Connections

There is a soup commercial out these days that has a woman calling a soup company in excitement because she is able to fit into a dress after eating their soup, the soup company representative she speaks to is a woman who is able to share her excitement in losing the weight to allow her to wear her favorite dress. The next scene is a woman who is able to fit in her "skinny" jeans as a result of eating the soup. She happens to be speaking to a male representative of the soup company, and he can't seem to muster the excitement that the woman is looking for, so she asks to speak to a woman.

We all have people we connect with for different reasons, maybe our moms and us share a sweet memory, maybe we can make a noise over the phone and our dads can immediately recognize the sound that our car is making, we might see a scene from a movie that reminds us of a first date with our now husband and that can bring back memories as well. (The opening scene from Titanic brings me back to one of my first dates with Johnny, and the funny story that goes along with it). Sometimes, only the person we share that memory with can truly understand our feelings about it.

I have those memories of times with my sister, and they many times revolve around movies and TV shows. I found myself watching, within the time span of about a week, the movies Dirty Dancing and Urban Cowboy. My sister and I had lines from those movies the that would bring us to laughter to the point of tears. We also shared a love of the TV show Friends. One episode that we particularly found funny was the "Yemen" episode where Chandler, in an effort to get away from his girlfriend without hurting her feelings by breaking up with her, tells her that his company is transferring him to Yemen. Now, I admit, before that episode, I had never even heard of the country of Yemen, and I'm not sure I could tell you where it is today. I do know, that I can't participate in a serious adult conversation about Yemen without cracking a smile. My sister and I always looked forward to seeing the athletes from Yemen at the Olympics.

Those are things that I shared with my sister, that nobody will ever be able to relate to me with on the same level that she did. That is my "new normal" I here that phrase a lot these days, but nothing seems normal about not having my sister here. I wasn't able to call when our favorite movies were on, or when the Yemen episode of Friends was on last week.

But when those times occur, and they will, I can trust that God will walk me through that. And maybe use those as times to remember those other great things about my sister, her laugh, her heart for others and her love of my children. Use those times to remember the ones that are here with me now, and love on them the way she would want me to. (And her sympathy for Johnny as I ask millions of questions throughout a football game: What is a down again, and how many do they get? How do they remember the plays? Why does the coach put that card over his mouth when he speaks, does he really think someone is reading his lips and will then give away the next play?)

All I Have Needed....

I was reading in Lamentations this morning, Chapter 3, Verses 21-24: Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning: great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

The holidays are among us, and with that, the realization that this is the first Christmas without my sweet sister here. As we were celebrating Thanksgiving, I recalled a time when my parents and I were meeting Brenda's future in-laws at a Thanksgiving meal. Prior to that, my mom had mentioned how funny it would be to dress in traditional pilgrim costumes and show up like that. Now, we didn't do that, but just the thought of it made me really nervous about my parents meeting Johnny for the first time years later. Memories like that bring back laughter, as do the memories I had while watching the Friends marathon last week. Those are things that I can look back on and smile, but with those smiles also come tears at times. I just miss her so much.

Christmas cards will be arriving in the mail soon, and the thought that there won't be one from Brenda cuts to my core at times. She always wanted her card to be the first one I received. ( I, on the other hand, rarely get my cards out much before Christmas Eve). She always made a special trip out on Christmas Eve to see my children and bring them their gifts. I loved talking with her about her preparations for Christmas at her work, what she was getting everyone, etc. Those are things that won't happen this year.

But, with that, I still have a family here, and much to celebrate. So how do I do that? I recall that verse from Lamentations, and remember that God will give me what I need to make it through each day, each hour, each minute. I will not be consumed by my grief and pain, because God loves me and He will carry me through this.

And, as much as I miss her, I also know that she is celebrating the Christmas with Jesus, and what a celebration I imagine that to be!

All I have needed, thy hand has provided, great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!

The End of the Season

Well, we made it, to the end of Justin's first Kingwood Football League season. And I can honestly say I don't know much more about football than I did before the season started. But I do know this, Justin had a great time, and that is what matters. He met some new friends, learned some new skills and enjoyed being part of a team. I learned that I need to figure out some better dinner options before next season, because our two hour practices, three times a week, really messed up the dinner hour around here. Chick Fil A got a ton of business from us during the season. I also learned that in order to get the pads into the game day pants, one needs an engineering degree. Johnny informed me early on in the season that I wasn't to tell Justin to "Be sweet" as he headed to the field for a game.

I struggled some this season, missing my sister. She would have so much enjoyed watching his games. I couldn't help but think of her as I watched him out there. But I know she had a front row seat in Heaven and was cheering him and his team on during every play. And Justin knows that as well, he mentioned her quite a bit during the season.

It took everything I had to not go out on the field and give him hugs and kisses because he looked so cute in his uniform. In fact, of all the teams, I think our Cardinals were the cutest, and had the best looking uniforms! I was that mom on the sidelines that would wave to him whenever I got a chance, and he would give me that wave that says, "Yes, mom, I see you, but I've got work to do."

I am so grateful to his coaches, team mom and other parents who helped us "learn the ropes" this year. I look forward to seeing them again next year for another season. And I will be practicing getting those game day pants ready during the off season, I will not let football equipment get the best of me!

A Fresh Start

Well, we did it, we had the inside of our house painted last week. I have to admit, that our walls had some "art work" done by little hands with crayons and markers, so this was definitely needed! We picked out colors for each of the rooms, the children got to pick the colors of their rooms themselves: Ryan chose a conservative brown color, Justin chose bright blue and Madison, of course, chose princess pink! Their bathroom is a bright yellow, the master bedroom is a mossy green, the rest of the house is a nice tan, with the exception of our downstairs bathroom, which is a bright blueish-teal color, Johnny has suggested we paint some fish on the walls.

It is so nice to have a fresh start with our walls, not unlike the fresh start we get with God. Isaiah 1:18 says "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as wool". With Jesus, we can have the walls of our life painted as well, only He doesn't just cover up the sin, as the color marks on my walls were covered up. He removes those stains completely. The old is gone.

I still have the memories of my sins, and that convicts me not to continue in that way in my life, but Jesus has wiped that slate clean. All I have to do is commit to follow Him and be obedient to God's will in my life. Confess when I have sinned and then commit to change. Whether it is in my attitude toward my children, my husband, my ministry as a wife and mom, or my ministry to my parents and others. When I see that it is not in line with what God wants of me, I can get that fresh start by confessing and committing to change. And so can you!

Birthdays and Family

Yesterday we celebrated my mom's birthday. I've gotten into the habit of buying my parents gift cards for restaurants, as they really enjoy having a nice meal out together. My kids made her some really cute cards, and I encouraged them to handwrite some messages in them. (See previous post). So, we are preparing to head to my parents house, which is close to mine, and I remember the flowers. My sister always sent flowers to my mom. Now, I'm not good at sending flowers, I always remember too late. My sister didn't have that problem, I'm quite sure she had everything on a calendar, and ordered them well in advance. I'm pretty sure she also never had to pay for overnight shipping, something that I regularly have to do. I was getting myself and the kids ready, so I sent Johnny out to get some flowers for mom.

I know that I can't do everything exactly like my sister did, and even if I did, it wouldn't be the same. We are coming to the beginning of the holiday season, and these will be some pretty tough first for us: First Thanksgiving and Christmas without Brenda. I have no doubt that she is celebrating in ways the we can't even know, with our Savior, but it is still so difficult here as I miss her so very much. But I cling to Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

We ended the day with Justin's final regular season football game. His team has had a bit of a rough time with some tough losses, but he is having a great time. My parents were able to come and watch as well. I don't understand football anymore than I did at the beginning of the season, so I just wait until I hear other people from our team cheering, and then join in.

So through the happiness of family celebrations and football games, and the pain of missing my sister, I remember Philippians 4:13- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

The Value of a Card

I used to be really good about sending cards: birthday, friendship, etc. That habit has gone by the wayside in frequent years due to just being busy with life and the ease of e-mail. So much easier to type and press send.

But I was reminded recently of the value of sending a card by a member of a Bible Study. Then, a few days later, I came across a card my sister had sent me several years ago. We always tried to find the goofiest cards to send each other, it didn't have to be a birthday. There was a witty message printed on it by the card company, but the most valuable part was the message she wrote to me. There is something so special about a message written in someones own handwriting that is so precious.

So my hope is that I can continue that with my family and friends. I want my children to have handwritten notes from me, and for them to also write notes to friends and loved ones.

Who would love to receive a card or letter from you?

Ready For Some Football?

Okay, so my Justin has been wanting to play in the Kingwood Football League for about a year now. We finally signed him up for this season. He tried out, was chosen in the draft and is extremely excited!

I'm very confused with much of the equipment though. Yesterday, Johnny was getting Justin's mouthpiece fitted correctly. See, that is where I would have messed up. I would have taken out of the package and put it in his mouth and sent him on his way. But no, there are actually directions on how to use this thing. You have to cut it to the correct size, and then place it in boiling water to soften the plastic (I guess even in football, there is cooking). Then it goes in Justin's mouth, much like an impression plate at the dentist. This is when I'm really wishing they had done this before dinner, because I'm quite sure what is going to happen won't be pretty and I will be called to clean up duty. So, I leave the room. I happy to report, that other than a few threatening gagging coughs, there was no clean up to be done.

Then it is off to League Night, where parents and players get all the information they need for the season. I should have worried when I found out the Information meeting lasted an hour. How much could they need to tell? This is little league! After that, Justin got to meet his coaches and players, and happily, there is a boy he knows from our homeschooling group on his team.

During this time, I've texted Johnny, reminding him NOT to sign me up for any volunteering. See, long before I had children, I attended the baseball game of a Pre-K student of mine, and there, my aversion for volunteering for a children's sports team, was born. I saw this poor mom, in a dugout with a bunch of preschoolers who were hanging from the side of the dugout. I decided then and there that I would never reveal the fact that I have a teacher's certificate to any of my future children's coaches, because I knew that was a sure ticket into the madness of the dugout. Now, if a need arises, will I help out? Of course!

So, they get home, and Justin has his fundraiser order forms and another booklet. I look closer at the booklet, and it is a playbook. Now, I have a college degree, but I can't understand anything in this playbook. I told Johnny, that was all on him this season. I can teach reading and math, but that stuff looked like Greek to me. I guess we have PE taken care of for Justin this semester!

So we are entering a season of learning for me. I really don't know much of what to do or expect. It reminds me so much of when I first started to really dig into God's Word and desire a relationship with Him. It started with me feeling very overwhelmed, and doing a little at a time. The first Bible Study I attended covered the book of Joshua, in the Old Testament. There were many fact
questions: who, what, when, where, why, easy fill in the blank stuff. Just read the text and find the answer. Every once in awhile, there was a "what does this mean to you" type question. The study after that was Ephesians. That one was filled with less "fact" and more "heart", I really had to think and look at my own heart to answer the questions. That was so much harder for me! Much easier to just fill in a blank. The next study I did didn't have any fill in the blank questions, there were simply scriptures to look up and I had to search my own heart for the answers. I really struggled with that one. But I found that the more I studied God's Word, the more I wanted to see how to apply it to my own heart and life. And the only way to do that was to move past the fill in the blank and take an honest look at myself and my relationship with God.

It has been, and continues to be, such a great journey! Not always happy, and sometimes downright painful, But as I learn more about God and myself, I'm excited to continue on and see what lies ahead!

Justin's first practice is tonight, Johnny is in charge of getting his practice stuff together, after I asked him if he was to wear the pads with shorts or his football pants. I wonder what adventures we will have this season? My hope is that we can use this to be a light to others.

Creative Arts Camp

What a great week we had at Creative Arts Camp at church last week! All three kids participated, I volunteered, and Johnny even stopped by for a couple of days to take pictures. I just love having activities where we can all be involved.

Ryan was able to take pictures some throughout the week. He also helped with lights for the performance at the end of the week. He really enjoyed spending time with "the best teen helper he has ever had", his quote. So much fun to see him growing and becoming ready to join the youth group as well.

Justin got to be "Mr. Drama Guy" once again. We had fun learning his line, and I found myself saying it along with him the night of the performance. He also had a great time in his Pottery Class.

And my Madison. It was so nice to hear her retell the stories she learned. We had many discussions, retellings and pictures drawn of Daniel and the Lion's Den and Jonah and the Big Fish. She also entertained us with songs this week as well. And she stayed on the stage and sang every song with her group!

I got to work with some children in the afternoon doing Creative Writing. What a joy that was!

As I look over the past couple of weeks of activity at our church, I'm so thankful for that church home and family we have. The effects I see in my children are lasting, the impact the members of the church have on our lives is priceless.

A Year of Firsts

I remember when my children were babies, their "firsts" were so exciting: first words, first steps, first teeth. This year, will be a different kind of firsts for me, first holidays, special times, without my sister.

I had one of those this past week - our birthdays. Brenda's birthday is July 16th, mine is July 20th. As children, my mom would also plan elaborate parties for both of us separately. As the mom of two close in age, with birthdays 4 days apart, I now have a new appreciation for what she did. But as adults, we would always celebrate together.

So this was the first year to celebrate my birthday, and Brenda's birthday, without her.

But God knew, and made plans this week for me. I had no idea when I signed up to help with Creative Arts Camp this week, that my sister would be gone. But God knew, and He put that there for me. I spent the week with my children, experiencing God in so many ways. I also was blessed to be with about 150 other children through the week. On my birthday, everywhere I went in that church, some little voice was telling me Happy Birthday. I got hugs from my friends.

God also gave me a very special gift, a visit from one of my very best friends, who doesn't live in Texas anymore. God very much orchestrated her schedule, so that she would be here for several days and we were able to spend some time together.

The day was complete when I spent time with my parents eating a yummy ice cream cake, that Johnny, Ryan and Justin served and cleaned up. Then Johnny, the kids, and I went to Joe's Crab Shack for a yummy dinner. I ordered more than I was able to eat, knowing that I was going to be sharing with my boys. Madison slept in my lap most of the time. Chrystal called from Arkansas to wish me Happy Birthday, what a blessing she is! I finished my evening ordering and reading books on my new Nook, a gift from Johnny and the kids, a gift that I've always said "I don't need" but have found that I LOVE it!

So God has taken what was going to be a tough time for me, and put some special gifts in there. Was this past week easy? No. I shed many tears. But I got to see God at work in my life, through songs, skits, art, friends, children, and my own family. I can trust God with this next year, knowing that there will be much sadness, but that He will be there to walk me through it.

Lessons from VBS

So, it has been way too long since I've blogged, so I'm back! :)

This week at our church is Vacation Bible School, a week that myself and my children look forward to each year. Johnny has even gotten involved for a couple of days and done some photography. (Which means I made the "Big Screen" this year, thank you honey. Not!!)

Anyway, my Madison has been hearing some Bible stories and enjoys telling me about them and drawing pictures. Yesterday was "The Good Samaritan". Her take on it was that a man took Jesus, who was hurt, put him on a donkey and took him to Samaricho. I've looked and looked but can not find Samaricho on a map in my Bible. Madison got parts of the story correct, but mixed up others.

How many times to I do that with God's Word? Today's story was of Forgiveness, the woman who was about to be stoned. Jesus asks the one who is without sin to throw the first stone, and one by one, the people drop their stones and walk away, until Jesus is the only one left. And what does He do? He tells her to "go and sin no more". Jesus, the only one who could have thrown a stone, didn't.

I hear that story and think how amazing it must have been to be that woman and have Jesus do that for me. And then I realize, He did do that for me. Sometimes I have to remind myself that He DID do that for me as well. It isn't just something for everybody else, it was for me too. My sins are forgiven, the choices that I made that were not in line with God's will for my life, are forgiven. I can rise up just like that woman so many years ago with Jesus, and determine to live my life as a follower of Christ.

One of the activities we did today was take some rocks, and put them at the foot of the Cross. That was symbolic of not carrying unforgiveness around with us. The lesson today encouraged us to forgive others and not hold a grudge. But for me, it also served as a reminder that I am forgiven as well.

Smile!

So today, I began a quest to find my dining room table. I was quite sure it had been stolen, and replaced with a pile of clean laundry, mail and books. But a glimmer of hope occurred as I began to go through those things. I actually saw a piece of the brown wood that makes up the top! Yay for me! One of the items I came across was a small book that one of my children must have brought home from church, and put on that table. On the front is a "Smiley Face" with the words "Smile, Jesus Loves You" written around it.

Sometimes, it can be really tough to find something to smile about. Days can be overwhelming with tasks that seem so large that I don't know how I will manage them. I can look around and see all the "work" and quickly begin to feel defeated. Behavior and character issues with my children can threaten to overtake my emotions to the point that I have nothing left to give. My shortcomings in tasks that should just come "naturally" to me as a wife and mom can paralyze me.

But then, there is Jesus, just loving me. Above all else, Jesus loves me. He loves me through the tough and the easy. He loves me even when I don't feel lovable.

And that is something to smile about! So friends, today, remember that Jesus loves you! And smile! :)

Trust

Well, we have started that time of year where I spend hours in the hot sun "encouraging" my boys to swim fast. This year, Madison has joined the Swim Team as well. She is a brand new swimmer, never had any lessons before this. She is excited, yet sometimes fearful of letting go of the coach, lane rope, wall, etc. Today, she went off the starting block for the first time. I say, she went off, but she did have some assistance from me. See, she was afraid to jump in. Coach Emily was right there to catch her, but as is typical with little ones sometimes, she didn't want to jump. So I "helped" her jump in several times. I have the advantage, as I totally trust the coach and know that she won't let anything happen to Madison. But Madison isn't there yet, she is still learning what will be okay. My hope is as she swims with this coach more, she will develop that trust, and confidence in her own ability. And she has made such improvement in just the few short days she has been to practice. And she loves Coach Emily!

I can relate to Madison a bit here. I'm at a point in my life where I need to trust in God. With the recent loss of my sister, I find myself wondering if I will ever feel any better. If I will get to the point where it isn't an effort to get through the day. If I thought that this was how it was going to be forever, I think I would just give up. But I know that God is there and He will walk me through this. I just have to be brave enough to "jump off the starting block" to Him.

The prayers, cards, meals, phone calls, hugs, etc have been such a comfort to me, thank you, friends!

Sisters

My sister, Brenda passed away May 12, 2011 after a long battle with Breast Cancer. As I sit here making funeral plans and looking through photos, I'm reminded of just how special the sister relationship is. I can't speak to brother/brother or brother/sister relationships. But my sister and I have a bond that will last for eternity. She and I could look at each other across a room and know exactly what the other was thinking. We would laugh hysterically at jokes that nobody else found funny. I could call her and just give her a movie line, and she would immediately say "What channel". We could relate just about every experience to a Friends episode. And I was with her on her most important journey, the one to Jesus. I sat and held her hand all afternoon and evening until she took her final breath. And I don't think a bond can get any stronger than that.

Dance with Jesus, Brenda!

After the Show

What an amazing week and weekend it has been! Passion Project Kingwood 2011 was absolutely wonderful! I was blessed to be able to be backstage each night and see the performers coming through, helping whenever necessary, etc.

I was very anxious on Friday afternoon, right before opening night. "Would Justin remember his lines? Would he say them loud enough? What if he needs me while he is onstage?" On the way to the church that night, Justin wasn't feeling well. At that point, in the McDonald's drive thru, I just silently prayed for him, trusted God with him, etc. We got to the church, and he immediately started feeling better. I realized, that no matter how much control I think I have, God is the one in control. I was very blessed to have Justin working with some awesome people in this production, and I realized that I didn't have to worry while he was onstage.

This whole experience has been great for our family. My Ryan, who last year didn't want to see the production, sat through every dress rehearsal and performance, by his own choice. He wanted to come. And he had questions as well, so lots of good discussion has come from it. My Madison spent her time in childcare, but before and after, as we walked through the church, she always stopped at a photograph from last year's performance. It is Jesus on the cross. She will just stand there and look at it, ask questions, share what she knows, etc. She loves the music from the program, we have been listening to it for several months. She can even tell me when the different characters are singing - Roman Soldiers, merchants, Disciples, Healed men, Caiphas.

Johnny filmed each night, so I got to hear what he saw from his perspective, his camera was directly behind the Cross.

And myself. Wow. Touched me at a deep level, that is for sure. I can read scripture, do Bible studies, etc. But to be a part of something like this, to see the Gospel lived out in a mighty way, just drives home that much more what Christ did for me.

From the song You Are My King:
I'm forgiven, because You were forsaken,
I'm accepted, You were condemned.
I'm alive and well, Your spirit lives within me
Because You died and rose again.